I just read on WebMD that grief can be caused by:
- A loved one dies
- They become separated from a loved one
- They lose a job, position, or income
- A pet dies or runs away
- Kids leave home
- They experience a major change in life such as getting a divorce, moving, becoming an “empty nester,” or retiring
Maybe this explains some of my relentless depression over the last ten years or so. Let’s see :
- In January 1998, I was nearing the end of my 15th year in a great job that I really loved, despite the intense, relentless pressure. I was good at what I did. I owned my own home, a little house I’d built myself eight years before. Life was looking pretty good.
- In April 1998, the week I turned 55, I was unexpectedly fired from my job of 15 years. So much for my peak earning years and the ten more years of retirement-building I’d counted on. The new, young executive director had only been on the job since February and was being carefully coached by a very ambitious woman who’d been around for quite a while. Also, although I was not about to explain my personal life to my employer, the firing happened just days after I’d taken two days’ sick leave and left town to visit my first boyfriend in 15 years. No reason was given for the firing (none needed to fire an “at will” employee). Not one friend from the office called later to see what happened or how I was. (I heard later that the word around the state convention was I’d had a nervous breakdown!) Two very young secretaries were promptly hired in my place and my work was farmed out to an agency for the next year.
- I spoke to three different attorneys, friends and relatives, about a suit for age discrimination, but all said my time and effort would be better spent looking for another job.
- Emotionally reeling, I invited the boyfriend to move in with me a few months later, but soon realized I just wasn’t ready to share my space and asked him to take an apartment close by. I knew I was treating him badly, but I was trying desperately to regain my own balance.
- He started seeing someone else almost immediately, and when we drifted apart, he moved in with her.
- In 1999, I took a stop-gap job, the only offer I’d gotten in a year of searching, and was miserably unhappy with it.
- An old boyfriend from the Internet reappeared and, desperate for some security and happiness, I married him within weeks. I quit the crummy job, gave away my dog, gave away most of my furniture (because he promised to replace it all), rented out my 3-bedroom house, and moved halfway across the country to be with him. Yes, in retrospect, it was pretty crazy.
- In November 2000, my dad died. I was devastated. The light of my life, my rock, my anchor, my #1 Fan, was gone. I rushed home when he had the stroke and stayed for a week while he was in the hospital. Then, for whatever reason, I went back to my husband. When my dad, still hospitalized, took a turn for the worse, I rushed home again. I got to the hospital just moments after he died.
- Three months later, I got word the former boyfriend, with whom I’d been corresponding, also had died.
- In 2003, I filed for divorce and moved back to my hometown. I took an apartment, since my house was rented, and had just enough from the meager divorce settlement to furnish it.
- In 2005, I suddenly realized I could move to Denver, where I’d always wanted to live. I’d found the perfect apartment on the Internet. I had no desire to move back into my house other people had lived in for several years, even though I had built it (and just paid it off). I had siblings in my hometown, but my son was in Denver and my brother was in Boulder.
- Shortly after I arrived in Denver, my brother left the state to attend medical school. There’s no way of knowing if he’ll ever return to this area.
- I loved the apartment, which backed onto a green belt and had a view of the mountains, but was convinced two years later by my tax and financial adviser to buy a place. I told the hometown rental agent to sell the house and took a beating, especially with the capital gains tax I incurred, just to get what cash I could from it.
- I gave up the perfect apartment for a tiny house that was purely a financial move. No mountain view, no green belt, but it was about the best I could do in this market. Now I’m 40 minutes and a $7 toll away from the mountains instead of 15 or 20 minutes. And oh yes, on advice of the adviser, I made only a minimum down payment on the house, so the rest of the money could be invested. And we all know what happened to investments last year.
So yes, I’m depressed and discouraged and afraid to do anything. I’ve made so many lousy decisions since 1998, with so many lousy outcomes. I can’t afford any more mistakes, emotionally or financially.
I’ve backed myself out on a limb, to the very tip, and dare not move or I’ll fall.
I’m 66 now. I wonder how long I have to sit out on this limb …
